TMTA (Take Me To America)… So that I can shank Gwyneth Paltrow.

I’m a dork.

I read Science News, XKCD comics, and several blogs. I don’t follow celebrities.

HOWEVER, as a result of some severe sunburn inducing a spell of heat-madness (that’s a thing! It involves hot, delirious naps, eating with anxious abandon, and lots of sweaty internet-browsing), I spent the afternoon on

God, who knew celebrities were actual humans?

My heat-madness has since passed, but one thing has stuck with me…

What the fuck is wrong with Gwyneth Paltrow? I’ve seen her in Iron Man, and other things where she was too wispy and nondescript to warrant remembering the movie titles…. She seemed sweet. I also know she’s hitched to the guy from Coldplay. Basically, I thought she was a taller, paler and duller version of Jennifer Aniston.

NEGATIVE. She is completely insane.

Diets, snobbery, weird mothering advice… I spent about an hour clicking through articles on this woman, and by the end of it she was making me angrier than Anne Hathaway does.

That is something, because Hathaway is a big toothy, singing sack of awful that makes me want to run into the street and start punching other people’s children and shoplifting pharmacies.